Leaving on a Ford Focus

leaving in a couple hours , car is packed and i am ready to get on the road

Back and Forth

I feel like I have been going back and forth on wether You have changed at all, I see that i need to put more distance between us because its still leaving me hurt and confused when I know the need to stay away is there.
In about 48 hours I am leaving to start a 12 hour trip to Cape Breton to go home. A friend K is comming with me, so at least i wont be driving all alone. The reason I am going, I will not stay home an cry alone over the last couple christmases we have I am going to Make new memories with my family and put thoes people a the front of my mind rather then think about what we did have before.

I am still trying to heal the hurt You keep inflicting on my emotions which is why i need to step away even more, maybe its not posible to be friends with an x ? i dont know as much as i want to I DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANY MORE, which is this great big rock lifted off my heart that i can say that now and not want to cry thinking about you , i can do it i can move on with my life.

ill update from the road

MIA

i have been staying away mainly because i thought that getting angry on here was hurting me, and i though i was starting to move past the damage that you did to me. You keep playing games back an forth so i have taken the step not to speak with you at all, i have tried going out on a date ill be it vanilla as it was i am making my self leave the house making my self do things i am leaving for cape breton in two days to visit my family and friends , i need to stay away from you while your here

Yuck

sick sick sick , ate chineese on friday, went to bed woke up at 4 am powering up, been like this all weekend have nothing else to write i just want to go home an sleep rather then feel so bad

Lies?

Omsion is still a varied lie, if you cant be honest and up front with the person you are with then why be there? I am done with lies and people who think they need to hide things from me. i have made all the work to be Your friend, but i have relized one thing You are Your own worst issue and i cant keep paying for that or blameing my self for that.

You are not the only one out there

Lyrics to Beyonce Irreplaceable

To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it nigga please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And It's my mine name that is on that Jag
So remove your bags let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard telling me
How I'm such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And call up on that chick and see if she is home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Cause you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby you dropped them keys hurry up before your taxi leaves
Standing in the front yard telling me
How I am such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby
[ these lyrics found on www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I will have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So since I’m not your everything
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
Baby I wont shead a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left
To the left

Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

Love

love and care for You but i am not in love with You any more, the pain is starting to ease, probaly why i havnt been posting so much , i am growing just like a work in progress, i am building the laywers of my life again. And i will be whole again.

I miss You Dad ( SBT April 21-1946 to Nov 20th 2001)

Daddy's Little Girl by Punkin


If I had my life to do over,
I'd have chosen you to be my dad once more.
Even if it meant losing you again,
It's worth all the tears in theworld.
You were my sunshine when skies were gray.
I loved you and honored you;
You took all my tears away.
I was happy to be with you,
Proud to be your little girl.
Sometimes we would argue,
But to me you meant the world.
Your love was always pure;
You treated me as your own.
Your time seemed all too short andI feel so alone.
What can I take from this?
My heart is completely crushed.
But nothing loved is ever lost,
And you are loved so much.

i love You Daddy

This week

this week i have been pretty sick , all the sleeples nights have taken a toll on me i guess and i ended up in bed for two days. Today i am feeling some what better. Physicaly , even if on the emotinal side i am still messed up, he has been calling and messageing me , and on tuesday i asked him what the point was did he want us to get back together, he said no he has no room for that in his life, SO WHY FUCKING KEEP TRYING TO CONTROLL ME , why here is the answer because he is still getting what he wants from me and all i have is hope that he will come back , but not any more, i will always love this man in some way , i will never forget him, but i need to move on with my life, with some one whos sees my submissivenes as a gift , some one who will grow with me in mutal trust respect, and push me to be better

back to night mare

back to night mares again i guess two nights with out them is all that i get,

progress of the day

i made it all the way to the end of a song with out relating it to my self and the mess the realtionship has ended in.!

paint

i want to paint over my wounds make the go away, but i know that i will still feel the pain, how do i hide from all the fears to move on with life, can i paint the skin a shade of grey so that i might melt away. or a pretty blue so now one sees the sorrow.

sleep

i got some sleep last night again although i woke up at 4 30 am i was able to get back to sleep at 5 and then stay asleep till 8, i didnt spend half the night thinking about Him maybe that is why. i did however get strange messages from his sisters friends, they kept asking me about a party for a singels site LOL , i guess they think that i am cheating on Him how can i cheat when we are not together

my weekend

well the weekend has been here and gone, i went away to a party over the weekend.
i had my doubts about attending aparty since i am now no longer collard, and having never played with any one besides Him and One other Female Dom, but still He was there watching. i am proud of my self for going, i didnt let Him showing up on Friday bother me, i didnt cancel plans and chicken out, i need to keep moving forward because He may never change, and even if he did how can i trust him again ? this is something we talked about on friday, he made a promise to call this week i said that was alright he could, part of me says he never will bother the other not quite sure i want to talk to him again already. because i need to keep building my self esteem again, and if he threatens that continueing they speaking with him will have to stop all together, i can not and will not go backwards right now.

i feel

i felt so angry yesterday, which is a change from the sadness, that we are over.i stoped and relized just how much i have been able to do on my own, working at things slowly, you called last night, why do you talk as if nothing has happend, you ripped out my hear broke ever promise you ever made to me, and like always your not there to pick up the pieces i am doing that, because thats what i do best, clean up the messes you get your self in to isnt it. i dont want to be angry its not who i am, i dont want to be sad about this because its for the best i do belive that, and with time my hurt will fade because i will work at the things that are wrong right now, i will not isolate my self from everyone, i need to talk about it i will if i just need to get out i will, i feel like i need to live again , i feel like i am on the way to finding out what makes me happy , not what might make some one else happy!

please

please dont message me at work , i find it odd because i just had the stregth to delete you off my list but yet then you msg me? i am at work trying to work i dont need to cry because You hope some day i will forgive You, i am still trying to forgive my self, one day at a time i work threw something small, maybe to You it would be nothing but to me its making things slowly a bit easier. i gave you everything i had, but that wasnt enough now that i am trying to give my self something You want forgiveness, i do wish you well but dont talk to me at work, dont talk to me at home, i am not ready to talk to you the wounds are to raw and i might never be able to talk to you. so no i am not ready to forgive you

Not ready to make Nice

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

i am

Each day brings more stregth to my life, i do things i never thought i could do, You said i would never make it , but i am not doing this for You, my gift was special it desrved more, but now i am learning how to protect my self, how to mean so much more

Progress

Definitions of progress
# advancement: gradual improvement or growth or development; "advancement of knowledge"; "great progress in the arts"
# develop in a positive way; "He progressed well in school"; "My plants are coming along"; "Plans are shaping up"
# the act of moving forward toward a goal
# advance: move forward, also in the metaphorical sense; "Time marches on"
# a movement forward; "he listened for the progress of the troops"